a look inside...

20 May 2007 @ 01:09 pm

It seems my last post was taken the wrong way and I haven't been making myself very clear lately.

Two weeks ago, I needed to vent a bit. I was feeling a little lost, but not for obvious reasons. Some people gave me some general support; some people assumed some things about what I was describing and gave me advice. The advice wasn't really wrong at all, but since the assumptions were faulty, it wasn't particularly helpful. I didn't really make clear what I was actually thinking, so it's a little understandable, but at the same time a little annoying. Perhaps I was being a bit feminine here, but I wasn't really asking for a solution, I was just venting.

Three days ago, I posted a rant/cry for help. The ranting wasn't particularly directed at those who commented on my first post, but was actually a bit more of a general rant. So many times, people think they can empathize with others and they really can't. It is true that this rant was spawned by some of the comments I received from my first post, but it's a bit of an over-dramatization compared to them alone.

Finally, yes, that post was a cry for help. No, I'm not going to go into any more detail. Yes, I have told some people the details of what's going on--some of them are helping. No, I don't feel it was inappropriate to post a vague cry for help with no intention of fully explaining what was going on--I need help from more than a couple of people, and some general prayer will do just fine. Just know that I am struggling with something, and I can use all the prayers I can get to help me out.

Thank you. I'm sorry if I offended anyone.

Tags: friends, life

the mood:

pensive

the music: Acceptance - Different

4 thoughts | what do you think?

17 May 2007 @ 09:07 pm

empathy

"I know exactly what you mean."

Oh really, do you? How's that? You don't even know what's going on.

It's frustrating to hear so much advice and empathy which doesn't apply. Sympathy is one thing, but assuming you can empathize with someone without knowing the full story is a bit arrogant.

Don't get me wrong, I love all of you, and I thank you all for trying to cheer me up. But the truth of the matter is the vast majority of you have no clue what I'm dealing with. Not that I'm assuming you couldn't understand if you knew, but you don't know.

Tags: friends, life

the mood:

annoyed

the music: John Mayer - My Stupid Mouth

7 thoughts | what do you think?

06 May 2007 @ 09:28 pm

floating

I feel like I'm just suspended in the air--hanging, just hanging in nothingness. I'm drifting through life, experiencing whatever comes at me when it does, but just waiting for the next big event in between them.

My friends have been there for me, and God is there, too. I feel like I'm doing things right for a change. But I still don't know where I'm going.

Last time I posted, I was reflecting on the need to listen--to slow down and hear what God's saying. Well, now I'm moving slowly, and more toward Him too, I think, but I'm still not hearing what He's saying.

What does all of this mean? Why do I feel the way I do? Why can't I do what I know is right? Why don't I want to? What do I want? Where am I going? What will I become? Could anyone really love me, knowing everything about me? Really, if she knew it all, could she really love me?

My heart aches for her and I don't know who she is...

Tags: friends, god, life

the mood:

blah

the music: Mae - Runaway

13 thoughts | what do you think?

31 January 2007 @ 10:43 pm

listen

Can you hear?

2 thoughts | what do you think?

11 January 2007 @ 08:56 am

God is still good...

Many of you may have noticed that I haven't posted in a long time. Some of you have pleaded for that to change. I would like to say that I am sorry if I disappointed you in some way. I would also like to say that I am not posting this right now to appease anyone (:-P). I don't like to use this journal for random tidbits about my life. Instead, I reserve it for deep thoughts (see my first posts for some reasons behind this). The truth is, I haven't really had any deep thoughts in a while. I've been in a sort of daze, not really having anything on my mind. I've also been a bit distant from God. This, I am hoping, will be changing in the coming days. Perhaps that means you will have the pleasure of reading more posts from me, perhaps not. But regardless, I do have something to say today.

( Read more... )

Tags: bible, god, life

the mood:

loved

the music: Matt Enquist - Brothers and Sisters

what do you think?

25 November 2006 @ 08:56 am

Oh my God, can I complain?

This morning as I was waking up I had a dream.

In my dream, I must have been talking to someone about how I've felt spiritually dry lately (which is true). Whoever I was talking to suggested that I go back and read some of what I had been journaling during my devotional time. So I read a little bit (in my dream I don't know what I read, all I know is that I read some) and then I started to pray. It went something like this, "God, please find a different path for me. I don't much like the one that I'm on..."

At that point, I was jarred awake by the realization of what I was saying in my dream. "Find a different path"? What was I thinking? Have I really fallen that out of touch with spiritual reality? Have I really been that selfish lately?

«Oh my God, I've wandered far from you. Please, bring me back. Set me on the bath back to your side. Let me know that you're there. You alone know what's best for me. Please, take away my firm belief in what is not true. Show me the truth. God, I don't want to wander off again.»

"Sometimes when I lose my grip, I wonder what to think of heaven..."

UPDATE: To clarify a bit: in my dream, I was definitely thinking very selfishly. It was like, "God, this is too hard. Can you make it all a bit easier for me?"

Tags: god, life, music

the mood:

startled

the music: Jars of Clay - Oh My God

2 thoughts | what do you think?

12 July 2006 @ 07:58 pm

you didn't die for nothing...

If you've gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care—then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don't push your way to the front; don't sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don't be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand (Philippians 2:1-4 MSG).

We just recently completed a 24-hour, 30-day prayer mission at our church. Everyone who has said anything about it has agreed that it was an amazing experience. I spent my share of early morning hours in the room, and it was very cool. Not only did the hour fly by each time, but I definitely experienced God there. It was also very cool to watch the room transform as people left their marks. The prayer request walls became covered with multi-colored post-its. The "Thanksgiving Tree" bloomed with an outpouring of praises. Journals were filled with poetry and prayer. Art inspired by the Spirit was added to every wall. It was all quite moving.

And this prayer mission couldn't have been scheduled for a better time in our church.

We've been going through some rough times, with conflict between groups in the congregation and the senior pastor. However, instead of taking the easy way out of the conflict and finding a new senior pastor, the church council decided (with the blessings of conference leadership and the senior pastor) to initiate a never-before-attempted "Mutual Growth and Healing Process." In this process, the council would establish areas of concern (e.g. communication of needs and expectations) in which both the pastor and the congregation need to improve. Then, the pastor would go on a three-month sabbatical, while the congregation received an interim pastor. During this separation, both parties would work on improving in the spelled-out areas of concern. Afterward, the pastor will obviously return and hopefully all will be able to be reconciled at this point.

All that was to say our church could stand to be a bit more like the "community of the Spirit" described in the passage above. And I think that prayer mission—which included people from all mindsets within the church—was an important step back toward that.

Tags: bible, church, god

the mood:

pleased

the music: Jars of Clay - Liquid

6 thoughts | what do you think?

25 June 2006 @ 03:21 pm

We have a choice.

"Why, why do you do it? Why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you're fighting for something? For more that your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom? Or truth? Perhaps peace? Yes? No? Could it be for love? Illusions, vagaries of perception. The temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose. And all of them as artificial as the world itself, although only a human mind could invent something as insipid as love. You must be able to see it, you must know it by now. You can't win. It's pointless to keep fighting. Why, why? Why do you persist?"
"Because I choose to."

Yes, that's adapted from Matrix Revolutions. The reason it's adapted is because I've always thought that Smith's monologue sounded quite a lot like how the devil taunts us into giving up. But the truth is we are not making up those worthy causes. It is God who first loved us. And we have a choice to fight for something better than getting by--we have a choice to join God's fight.

Tags: god, movies

the mood:

thinking

the music: Jimmy Eat World - My Sundown

what do you think?

13 June 2006 @ 07:55 pm

it's about forgiveness

If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day's out. Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens, and so complete Christ's law. If you think you are too good for that, you are badly deceived.(Galatians 6:1-3 MSG)

Tags: bible

the mood:

cheerful

1 thought | what do you think?

04 May 2006 @ 07:20 am

...shine on me...

If all we get out of Christ is a little inspiration for a few short years, we're a pretty sorry lot. But the truth is that Christ has been raised up...(I Corinthians 15:19-20a MSG)

Tags: bible, god

the mood:

inspired

the music: Switchfoot - The Shadow Proves The Sunshine

4 thoughts | what do you think?

02 May 2006 @ 07:26 pm

: )

Long talks with best friends are the bomb.

And God is awesome.

Tags: friends, god

the mood:

grateful

the music: Switchfoot - Stars

2 thoughts | what do you think?

30 April 2006 @ 07:37 pm

doubts?

So, after last week's post, it was a bit timely for this week's sermon to be about "Doubting Thomas." One thing that stuck out for me was the comparison that was made between Thomas and us. It's not just that Thomas didn't trust his friends that they had seen Jesus, Thomas wanted God to come to him on his own terms. How often do we do the same? "God, please help me pass this test; I promise I'll read the Bible every day for a month." "God, if you're real, cure my mother of this cancer." "God, I can't keep talking to air, I want to see you." Yeah, that hit home a bit.

( Read more... )

EDIT (10 May): added links to sermon, song.

Tags: church, god, life, music

the mood:

refreshed

the music: Jars of Clay - Nothing But The Blood

what do you think?

29 April 2006 @ 10:48 am

rushing forward

There's excitement welling up inside of me. An anticipation for the good things to come. My nerves are telling me that the uncharted lands ahead may be rocky, but right now I'm ready to rush right in. I can't be made to wait any longer. I want to leap forward and snatch up opportunity--take a hold of it and run into the future.

Tags: life, poetry

the mood:

exuberant

the music: U2 - Walk On

what do you think?

23 April 2006 @ 10:09 pm

Who is God?

I mean, really, who is God?

Talking to God is seeming to be more and more of an abstract concept lately. It seems I'm forgetting (or starting to question whether I ever truly knew) who, exactly, God is, and thus how I would talk to him.

While I'm thinking about it myself, I want to see your answers. Please, nothing that sounds regurgitated or cliché.

Tags: god

the mood:

questioning

29 thoughts | what do you think?

10 April 2006 @ 02:48 pm

for all have sinned...

When evening came, Jesus was reclining at the table with the Twelve. And while they were eating, he said, "I tell you the truth, one of you will betray me."

They were very sad and began to say to him one after the other, "Surely not I, Lord?"

Jesus replied, "The one who has dipped his hand into the bowl with me will betray me. The Son of Man will go just as it is written about him. But woe to that man who betrays the Son of Man! It would be better for him if he
had not been born."

Then Judas, the one who would betray him, said, "Surely not I, Rabbi?"
Jesus answered, "Yes, it is you."

While they were eating, Jesus took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to his disciples, saying, "Take and eat; this is my body."

Then he took the cup, gave thanks and offered it to them, saying, "Drink from it, all of you. This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins. I tell you, I will not drink of this fruit of the vine from now on until that day when I drink it anew with you in my Father's kingdom." (Matthew 26:20-29 NIV)

Yesterday, at Artisan Church, one of the pastors said something that really struck me. He was introducing communion, and he read this passage (actually, he read Mark 14:12-25, but I liked how Matthew put it a little better). He pointed out how Jesus had just told the disciples that one of them, his closest friends, would betray him. Then, right after that, he told them to share the bread and wine with him, which he said were his body and blood. Notice what he says when he offers the cup to them: Drink from it, all of you (emphasis mine). He doesn't say, "all who are loyal, drink," or "you eleven--not Judas--drink," he says, Drink from it, all of you.

How, then, can we tell those we don't think are "true" followers of God that they can't share communion with us? Yes, I know that I Corinthians 11:27-29 says,

Therefore, whoever eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty of sinning against the body and blood of the Lord. A man ought to examine himself before he eats of the bread and drinks of the cup. For anyone who eats and drinks without recognizing the body of the Lord eats and drinks judgment on himself. (NIV)

But how worthy was Judas? Maybe you can say that since Judas still brought damnation upon himself, and since Jesus knew that already it made no difference. But Jesus did tell Judas to eat and drink with the rest of them. Why would we tell people not to join us in communion then? Even if you say that closing people out of communion is only to save them from damning themselves, isn't it also our responsibility to tell others about Christ's love, making disciples of all nations?

That was good to chew on for a while.

Tags: bible, church, god

the mood:

contemplative

the music: Petra - Beyond Belief

1 thought | what do you think?

24 March 2006 @ 01:33 pm

expect great things

It's been almost two weeks now that I've been back from my Missions Trip to Puerto Rico. If you'd like to see them, I've posted some pictures.

This was my first experience doing missions work where the primary spoken language was not English, and I was excited to have a chance to exercise my Spanish skills. However, since most of the people spoke better English than I spoke Spanish, that didn't really happen. One slight exception was the worship service Sunday morning. Our group attended the church where half the team would be working--Catedral Bautista de Monte Sion (Mt. Zion Baptist Church). Before the worship service, one of the church members led a Bible study. He didn't know much English at all and taught in Spanish only. I strained my ears to hear past the thick Puerto Rican dialect and managed to catch the gist of what he was saying some of the time. Next the pastor led us in singing praise. He was bilingual, and we sung songs in Spanish and English. The sound of the two languages blending together as our work team sang with those we would be serving was beautiful. During the sermon, the pastor had one point that I particularly felt spoke to me. He said we should expect great things from God, because He will do them. In the past, I had learned to not form any expectations, so that I would not be disappointed when they were not fulfilled as I had hoped. But this was a new outlook. I can expect God to do great things; they may not be the things I would anticipate, but I can know that great things will happen.

Monday through Thursday, our group split up into two teams, half going to the church to work, the other half staying at the Baptist Theological Seminary to work. I was on the seminary team, and we definitely had our work cut out for us. Attacking projects in smaller groups, we managed to complete the tasks of cleaning out and reorganizing the contents of a large trailer (it had developed leaks and most of stored items were water-damaged), reorganizing a storage shed, picking up trash and debris around the campus (the previous maintenance director had left doors and other things laying in the woods), filling and compacting three dumpster loads of the trash we found, scraping and painting the exterior of the 1.5-story seminary office and the fence around the guest house pool, tearing down the water-damaged drop ceiling inside one cabin, and painting the entire interior of a cabin, three small bathrooms, and a walkway up to the office building. The work days were long in the 85-degree sun, but our work was greatly appreciated by the seminary administration. We did get a little time to relax on the trip as well. In the evenings many of us played cards or swam in the pool, and on Friday we hiked up El Yunque, a beautiful mountain in the middle of the Caribbean National Forest.

Because we didn't work directly with the people of Puerto Rico, trying to bring God's word to unbelievers, many people would question the missions value of our trip. However, as my teammate John so eloquently stated, by volunteering our time and resources, we enabled those who were more equipped to do their work. The already-established ministry teams at the church and seminary where we worked are much more familiar with the culture and language of the Puerto Rico than we could ever be, and the best way to aide them with their job was to work on some of the more mundane tasks they did not have time to complete.

All around, I thoroughly enjoyed this trip. I enjoyed serving through physical labor, having some time to reflect on what God's been teaching me, and fellowshipping with Christian friends. And, the weather was amazing, to say the very least. I look forward to having many more opportunities to serve God, as I expect Him to do great things in my life.

Tags: god, life

the mood:

pleased

the music: CHIC2K3 Praise Band - Te Alabare

what do you think?

17 March 2006 @ 02:27 pm

(no subject)

I think I think too much.

And you know what?
Right now, I think I'm thinking too much about thinking too much.

Tags: life

11 thoughts | what do you think?

03 January 2006 @ 04:39 pm

a cry from the heart

I've been meaning to do this for a long time now. This is my favorite song of all time--a perfect mix of beautiful music and wonderful, meaningful lyrics. The song is really a cry from the heart of the author, and I can identify with him. You'll have to find the music for yourself and listen to it (I like the original from their self-titled album a lot and the live, acoustic version on their furthermore album even better), but I thought I'd dive into the lyrics to explain just why I love this song so much...

i am the only one to blame for this
somehow it all adds up the same

It doesn't matter what way you look at it--it's my fault, I screwed up big time. I know it, and, more frighteningly, I know God knows it.

soaring on the wings of selfish pride
i flew too high
and like icarus i collide

Icarus found flying with his new wax wings to be exhilarating. His father had made them to allow Icarus to escape from the island on which they were held captive, but he made sure to warn Icarus not to fly to close to the sun, as the wax would melt. Once in the air, however, Icarus quickly forgot this warning. After flying with the birds for a while, the pride of reaching that height drove him to climb higher. Alas, the wings did melt, and he plummeted to the Earth.
Just like Icarus, I've found myself taking pride in my accomplishments, which drives me to work harder to achieve more on my own power. The funny thing is my "accomplishments" had nothing to do with my own strength. I could only accomplish these things because of the gifts that God my father gave me. When I forget that, climbing higher only makes me fall.

with a world i try so hard to leave behind

Oh, if only I could leave this world behind. I try to fly high above all the wickedness below. I long for the kingdom of God.

to rid myself of all but love
to give and die

The highest ideal I could ever hope to achieve: completely selfless love. To give it all, right up to death.

to turn away and not become
another nail to pierce the skin of one who loved

I know that when I sin, I am driving a nail into my Savior's flesh on the cross. He died to pay the penalty for my sin. I can't bear to continue to sin in this light!

more deeply than the oceans
more abundant than the tears
of a world embracing every heartache

It's impossible to fathom how deeply our Savior loves us. The world cries over its desire to embrace everything--our love of money, sex, music, a sense of belonging, you name it--and He loves us even more than that.

and can i be the one to sacrifice

I'm the one who sinned, shouldn't I be the one to sacrifice?

or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

...or am I stuck on the other end, killing instead of dying, dealing the final blow with the spear to ensure my Savior is dead, watching His blood pour out of His side. God wants me to live, and so He dies for me--but that's not really different from me killing Him.

to love you - take my world apart
to need you - i am on my knees
to love you - take my world apart
to need you - broken on my knees

«Oh God, my God! I love You and I need You! I'm on my knees, broken in front of You! Take my world apart--I can't fathom Your world in the world I know now.»

all said and done i stand alone
amongst remains of a life i should not own

I shouldn't own this body I live in! God created me and gave me life, but what have I done to deserve it? I disobey Him and disgrace my body. For that, I should belong to the devil. Now I'm all alone, standing ruined, broken to pieces.

it takes all i am to believe
in the mercy that covers me

It's inconceivable, the mercy that is shown to us! I know I don't deserve it. It's almost impossible to believe that His mercy covers my sins. I'm no longer the devil's--I'm God's.

did you really have to die for me
all i am for all you are

«God, did You really have to die for me? It seems like such a waste. Am I really worth it? All that I am doesn't nearly seem to live up to all that you are.»

because what i need and what i believe are worlds apart

«I know I need You, Lord, but I just can't believe what You say...»

and i pray

to love you - take my world apart
to need you - i am on my knees
to love you - take my world apart
to need you - broken on my knees
on my knees

All I can do is pray.

i look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain

It's all over, and my mind forgets already what has happened. My thoughts stray away from the cross which should remind me that I was bought for a hefty price. Already the image in my mind of the blood and nails is fading...

more and more i need you now
i owe you more each passing hour

«God, I need You more than ever now! Don't let me forget what You did for me!»

the battle between grace and pride
i gave up not so long ago

I don't want to be like Icarus! I don't want to give up!

so steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride

«Oh God, take away my pain, remove my pride, and make me clean.»

take the selfish take the weak
and all the things i cannot hide

«I know I can't hide anything from you, my Lord. Take away all the sin I try to hide from You.»

take the beauty take my tears
sin-soaked heart make it yours

«Take away the "beauty" I have created for myself, and take away my tears which lament the truth about who I am. Take my whole, sin-filled heart, and clean it out. Make it new, a heart for You.»

take my world all apart
take it now take it now

«God, take me now, before I'm tempted to turn from You again!»

and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words i can't deny

I know I must love my enemies as well. I proclaim love to the world, and even if the words I speak are unbelievable, I can't deny their truth.

watch the world i used to love
fall to dust and thrown away

The world which I once loved--all that I used to believe--is worth nothing more than dust. It's thrown away. I have a new world now.

i look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain

...but the cycle can begin again...

steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish take the weak
and all the things i cannot hide
take the beauty take my tears
take my world apart
yeah take my world apart
and i pray
and i pray and i pray
take my world apart

All I can do is continue to pray.

it's world's apart

(lyrics from "Worlds Apart," by Jars of Clay)

Tags: god, music

the mood:

contemplative

the music: Jars of Clay - Worlds Apart (Live)

2 thoughts | what do you think?

01 January 2006 @ 02:04 pm

'cause all of my mistakes keep me awake at night...

Matthew 26:36-45

Jesus was experiencing the worst pain imaginable. He asked His closest friends to pray for Him--not an unreasonable request. And yet, they fell asleep--and Jesus caught them. "You can't stay awake and pray for me when I need it most?" He asked. "Please try not to fall into temptation this time." But they did it again. Can you imagine the pain Jesus' closest friends felt after failing Him twice in a row?

I can...

Still, Jesus commissioned these people to start His church. He left the business of bringing the Kingdom of Heaven to Earth in the hands of these people who failed Him twice, right in front of Him. These failures were His closest friends, after all, and no failure was going to change that.

Perhaps that's some hope.

But that doesn't do anything to change the mistakes that were made. It's really hard to erase guilt.

Relient K - I So Hate Consequences

Tags: bible, god, music

the mood:

guilty

the music: Relient K - I So Hate Consequences

what do you think?

25 December 2005 @ 02:03 am

where would Jesus be?

Jesus is the King of Kings. He is God incarnate.

Yet, He was born in a dark, dirty stable. Animals fed out of the trough He was laid in. His parents were not wealthy, let alone royalty. I bet they wouldn't have been able to afford much in the way of lodging even if any rooms had been available in Bethlehem.

When He grew older, Jesus surrounded himself with stinky fishermen, loathsome tax-collectors, scandalous prostitutes, and other riffraff. He not only talked to diseased outcasts from society, but dared to touch them.

This doesn't sound like a typical King to me. (I think that was the point...)

What about now? Where could you find Jesus in a modern city? In a church, perhaps? Sure, He'd spend some time there. But not ALL of His time. I'd wager you'd find Him in the same types of places and with the same caliber of people as you could three millennia ago. You might try the ghettos, bars, prisons, alleyways... Look for Him among the addicts, the homeless, the garbage men, the janitors, the phone solicitors...

God humbled Himself. He deigned to have His Son born surrounded by filth.

There's no use hiding your filth from Him. I know I've tried to do it. I've thought, I have to straighten up a bit before I dare to talk to Him. The only problem with that... is that I can't. I need Him to straighten me out.

And there's no use hiding from filth, either. God hung around the detestables plenty; how else could He have reached them? And how else are we to reach them in His name?

The only thing that's filthy about filth is our view of it. Perhaps that's because we're too far gone ourselves to realize that half the filth is on us.

Tags: god

the mood:

contemplative

the music: silence

8 thoughts | what do you think?

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