It seems my last post was taken the wrong way and I haven't been making myself very clear lately.

Two weeks ago, I needed to vent a bit. I was feeling a little lost, but not for obvious reasons. Some people gave me some general support; some people assumed some things about what I was describing and gave me advice. The advice wasn't really wrong at all, but since the assumptions were faulty, it wasn't particularly helpful. I didn't really make clear what I was actually thinking, so it's a little understandable, but at the same time a little annoying. Perhaps I was being a bit feminine here, but I wasn't really asking for a solution, I was just venting.

Three days ago, I posted a rant/cry for help. The ranting wasn't particularly directed at those who commented on my first post, but was actually a bit more of a general rant. So many times, people think they can empathize with others and they really can't. It is true that this rant was spawned by some of the comments I received from my first post, but it's a bit of an over-dramatization compared to them alone.

Finally, yes, that post was a cry for help. No, I'm not going to go into any more detail. Yes, I have told some people the details of what's going on--some of them are helping. No, I don't feel it was inappropriate to post a vague cry for help with no intention of fully explaining what was going on--I need help from more than a couple of people, and some general prayer will do just fine. Just know that I am struggling with something, and I can use all the prayers I can get to help me out.

Thank you. I'm sorry if I offended anyone.

"I know exactly what you mean."

Oh really, do you? How's that? You don't even know what's going on.

It's frustrating to hear so much advice and empathy which doesn't apply. Sympathy is one thing, but assuming you can empathize with someone without knowing the full story is a bit arrogant.

Don't get me wrong, I love all of you, and I thank you all for trying to cheer me up. But the truth of the matter is the vast majority of you have no clue what I'm dealing with. Not that I'm assuming you couldn't understand if you knew, but you don't know.

I feel like I'm just suspended in the air--hanging, just hanging in nothingness. I'm drifting through life, experiencing whatever comes at me when it does, but just waiting for the next big event in between them.

My friends have been there for me, and God is there, too. I feel like I'm doing things right for a change. But I still don't know where I'm going.

Last time I posted, I was reflecting on the need to listen--to slow down and hear what God's saying. Well, now I'm moving slowly, and more toward Him too, I think, but I'm still not hearing what He's saying.

What does all of this mean? Why do I feel the way I do? Why can't I do what I know is right? Why don't I want to? What do I want? Where am I going? What will I become? Could anyone really love me, knowing everything about me? Really, if she knew it all, could she really love me?

My heart aches for her and I don't know who she is...

Can you hear?

Many of you may have noticed that I haven't posted in a long time. Some of you have pleaded for that to change. I would like to say that I am sorry if I disappointed you in some way. I would also like to say that I am not posting this right now to appease anyone (:-P). I don't like to use this journal for random tidbits about my life. Instead, I reserve it for deep thoughts (see my first posts for some reasons behind this). The truth is, I haven't really had any deep thoughts in a while. I've been in a sort of daze, not really having anything on my mind. I've also been a bit distant from God. This, I am hoping, will be changing in the coming days. Perhaps that means you will have the pleasure of reading more posts from me, perhaps not. But regardless, I do have something to say today.

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This morning as I was waking up I had a dream.

In my dream, I must have been talking to someone about how I've felt spiritually dry lately (which is true). Whoever I was talking to suggested that I go back and read some of what I had been journaling during my devotional time. So I read a little bit (in my dream I don't know what I read, all I know is that I read some) and then I started to pray. It went something like this, "God, please find a different path for me. I don't much like the one that I'm on..."

At that point, I was jarred awake by the realization of what I was saying in my dream. "Find a different path"? What was I thinking? Have I really fallen that out of touch with spiritual reality? Have I really been that selfish lately?

«Oh my God, I've wandered far from you. Please, bring me back. Set me on the bath back to your side. Let me know that you're there. You alone know what's best for me. Please, take away my firm belief in what is not true. Show me the truth. God, I don't want to wander off again.»

"Sometimes when I lose my grip, I wonder what to think of heaven..."

UPDATE: To clarify a bit: in my dream, I was definitely thinking very selfishly. It was like, "God, this is too hard. Can you make it all a bit easier for me?"

If you've gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care—then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don't push your way to the front; don't sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don't be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand (Philippians 2:1-4 MSG).

We just recently completed a 24-hour, 30-day prayer mission at our church. Everyone who has said anything about it has agreed that it was an amazing experience. I spent my share of early morning hours in the room, and it was very cool. Not only did the hour fly by each time, but I definitely experienced God there. It was also very cool to watch the room transform as people left their marks. The prayer request walls became covered with multi-colored post-its. The "Thanksgiving Tree" bloomed with an outpouring of praises. Journals were filled with poetry and prayer. Art inspired by the Spirit was added to every wall. It was all quite moving.

And this prayer mission couldn't have been scheduled for a better time in our church.

We've been going through some rough times, with conflict between groups in the congregation and the senior pastor. However, instead of taking the easy way out of the conflict and finding a new senior pastor, the church council decided (with the blessings of conference leadership and the senior pastor) to initiate a never-before-attempted "Mutual Growth and Healing Process." In this process, the council would establish areas of concern (e.g. communication of needs and expectations) in which both the pastor and the congregation need to improve. Then, the pastor would go on a three-month sabbatical, while the congregation received an interim pastor. During this separation, both parties would work on improving in the spelled-out areas of concern. Afterward, the pastor will obviously return and hopefully all will be able to be reconciled at this point.

All that was to say our church could stand to be a bit more like the "community of the Spirit" described in the passage above. And I think that prayer mission—which included people from all mindsets within the church—was an important step back toward that.

"Why, why do you do it? Why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you're fighting for something? For more that your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom? Or truth? Perhaps peace? Yes? No? Could it be for love? Illusions, vagaries of perception. The temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose. And all of them as artificial as the world itself, although only a human mind could invent something as insipid as love. You must be able to see it, you must know it by now. You can't win. It's pointless to keep fighting. Why, why? Why do you persist?"
"Because I choose to."

Yes, that's adapted from Matrix Revolutions. The reason it's adapted is because I've always thought that Smith's monologue sounded quite a lot like how the devil taunts us into giving up. But the truth is we are not making up those worthy causes. It is God who first loved us. And we have a choice to fight for something better than getting by--we have a choice to join God's fight.